Please read and help?
This is a little something i’ve been working on. i know the idea is a but played out, but i just wanted to try it out. Please read it and give any suggestions that might help
“Ah, Doctor, I was just finishing up here!” said the woman. She was wearing a white lab coat and had her hair tied up in a bun. The doctor noticed that bags under her eyes. “You haven’t been sleeping at all, have you?” said a man. He was in his mid-forties, grey hair, and stern face. The man walked down the steps and took a look around. It was a laboratory. To his right were tables with bottled fluid. There were also many high-tech machines that constantly buzzed and beeped. To his left was even more equipment. But there was something else there. They were giant case-like tubes. The tubes reached from floor to the ceiling and have massive cables coming and out leading to something that resembled a power generator. The inside of the tube was filled with an orange substance. Floating inside was something, something unlike anything on earth. The man stepped up to the tube and gazed inside. “Has the subject shown any sign of mental activity?” he asked still gazing inside. “We thought there was a spike earlier, but it turned out to be a false alarm.”
What is it that you’re doing? The man thought to himself. The woman, who was sitting at a computer, suddenly looked at her screen. She began typing furiously.
“Dr Cavil! Look at this!” The doctor came to where she was.
“Wha…” he began, and she pointed at the screen. At first there was nothing there but a single line. Then, many spikes began appearing, thousands of them by the second. So it’s finally awake He thought. “Initiate emergency procedures. Begin draining the hyrdo components. On my count, maximize generator power!” He commanded. There was a thud sound that came from behind. Dr. Cavil looked back and saw nothing but the lights from the floor panels. Thud. There it was again. He scanned the room. It hit him. The sound was coming from the case. Another thud, then the sound of cracking glass. The doctor stepped forward. Damn, the glass is cracking! “Initiate Deco Red! Insert the magnesium NOW! He shouted and hurried to the case. “Initiating Deco Red now. Inserting the magnesium.” But it was too late. The pressure of the orange substance forced the crack wider until it burst. Its contents spilled out onto the floor, preventing any light from getting through. Then, what was floating inside stepped out. What have we created? Dr. Cavil asked himself. In the following moment, he was torn to sheds.
I work to long to be getting paid this low wages thought the security guard. He was standing next to a set of Double doors with steel hinges that shined from the ceiling lights. It was quiet in the corridor. There wasn’t a lot to do down there. Whirring and buzzing could be heard from the other side of the doors. The guard looked at the monitor in front of him and saw that someone was coming. Dr. Cavil rounded the corner and came down the corridor. “Dr.Cavil!” said the guard while swiveling in his chair to face the doctor. “Is Ms. Ashwood still in there?” he asked. “Yeah, been in there for a while. I knocked to see if you she was ok, and she said she was fine.”
“I see.” He said. The doctor moved to the doors and they slid open without a sound.
He stepped in and the doors shut again. Returning to his monitors, he watched the empty hallways for while. Then there was a thud. And then came the sound of glass shattering. The guard stood up and rapped the door, “Everything ok in there, Dr. Cavil?”
No response.
He banged again
“Dr. Cavil?!”
Still no response. Slowly, the guard took the pistol from his side and opened the door.
There was blood everywhere, on the walls, on the floor. The equipment was fried. Cautiously, he stepped in-side. “Dr. Cavil…?” Something moved in the shadows. “Who’s there???” It moved again. “Show yourself” he said raising his weapon. Whatever it was, it hurried down the edge of the lab and through the doors. In the brief moment, when the light was on it, the guard realized it wasn’t a who, but rather a what.
Quiet.
That’s what it was like in the small cabin. A bunk bed to the left, and a table with a lamp to the right. The man lying in bed had his hands behind his head was lost in thought. His face looked as if he was in pain. In his mind, flashbacks reeled: A dark room, a chair in the center. A man was in the chair. His face was covered in blood and sweat. The person seemed to call out to him. Help me, help me. The man started to fade and get farther and farther away…
He shook his head. Reaching for the cloth on the bedside table, he got up and wiped his face. That’s the third time this week, he thought. He got up and looked around. I really should clean this place up. The floor was littered with various items ranging from a yogurt cup to a laptop computer. He bent down and picked up name tag that read Kurt Mendez, Head of Defense and Protection. He held it in his hand and stared. Why are we even here…in a place like this? He thought, It’s not like anyway would want to come here. Little did he know that his purpose was not to protect them from outside intrusions, but to protect them from what was inside…
“Sir, the press is outside…again. They refuse to leave. What should I tell them?” An important man in an expensive suit said this. He walked toward another man sitting behind a desk. Behind him, floor to ceiling windows looked out onto
Grey Hair
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3 Responses to “Please read and help?”
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Prevent Grey Hair
I could read 20% of it. I should not have dared to answer this question. But enjoed a beatiful script for a future cinema! Sci-Fi !! Name of the movie; “INTRUDERS”.
Prevention of Grey Hair
it seemed there was no real depth to it…
you explains things so basically.
had there been more depth to it it would have been a better read. you are on the right tracks…
Gray Hair Shampoo
You are lacking a centralized Voice here. Who’s perspective is this story being told from? It appears to be that you as the author (omniscence) is telling this but you as the author hasn’t figured that out…not to sound mean. It is a bit scattered.
I can see that you have a gift to be creative but you will have to fine tune your skill by reading as much as you can on creative writing. There is more to telling a story than just words on paper…it has to make sense and the most specific way to make sense is to have a perspective of who’s telling the story.
Keep at it, with time, practice and study you will get better.
Miriam Adams-Washington